Please sir, may I have some more?
A long time ago, Odin was a poor orphan cat wandering the streets of London. He had to beg for a living.
Please sir, may I have some more?
Unfortunately, Odin was too timid to be very good at begging. He always tried to ask politely and not to inconvenience anyone. As a result, he was small and thin and hungry.
One day, after long hours of begging and still no food, he sat down and cried right there in the street. Then behind him, he heard a sharp, raspy voice.
"Hey, kid. What's yer problem?"
Odin turned around to see where the voice was coming from. There in the shadows was one of the queerest looking cats Odin had ever seen. The cat was long and thin with three legs and a sharp face. He was wearing a top hat perched on the back of his head and a cigarette dangled out of the corner of his mouth
.
The Artful Murphy
"Are you talking to me, sir?" Odin asked querulously.
"Who ya think I'm talking to? The queen?"
"No, sir," replied Odin.
"And cut the 'sir' crap. Me name's Murphy. Whatcha cryin' for?"
"I am very hungry and tired," replied Odin. "I've been walking for seven days and have had almost nothing to eat."
"Yer goin' about it all wrong, kid," said Murphy. "Beggin' is for loser cats. If you wanna make it on the streets, you need to be tough. You can't wait for folks to give you food; you need to go out and take it for yourself."
"But
that's, well, wouldn't that be, um, stealing?" asked Odin. "It's not
right to steal."
Murphy paused for a moment, tossed his cigarette butt down and slowly ground it out with his front paw. Then he looked at Odin, pushed back his hat, and said philosophically, "Right and wrong are all relative, kid. Is it right that you have to beg for food? Is it right that I've only got three legs? Is it right that you and me is scrounging around this alley while some fat Persian is sitting in a penthouse somewhere eating his Fancy Feast and peeing in his Litter Pearls? Would it be so wrong for us to get a little feast ourselves?"
Odin thought about it for a minute. He didn't know what pearls were, but overall Murphy did seem to make sense. "I guess not. But I'm not very good at begging, so I don't imagine I'd be any better at stealing."
"Stick with me, kid," said Murphy as he slapped Odin on the back with a nicotine stained paw and coughed wheezily. "See that window? All we need to do is shimmy up that drain pipe, go across the roof, flip down from the gutter, and squeeze through that crack. Ready? Follow me!"
Murphy leads the charge.
Odin was scared, but he followed Murphy up the drainpipe, over the roof, down the gutter, and through the window. He was careful not to look down, for he was afraid of heights.
Once inside, they wound through the dark house, following their whiskers around plush furniture and over soft carpeted floors. Odin was awestruck. "These people must be rich," he whispered.
"Shhh," hissed Murphy. "Shut your face or we're done for. Now let's find us some food. The kitchen's this way" Odin admired Murphy's surefootedness as strode purposefully through the dark. He's so smart, Odin thought, he knows exactly where to go.
Before long, they were walking on tile floors and Odin felt a table leg. He heard a soft thump as Murphy leapt to the top of the table.
"Paydirt!" Murphy exclaimed. "They've got cheese!"
Behold the power of cheese!
With that, Murphy started to gobble down huge hunks of cheese. Odin, looking over his shoulder nervously, nibbled at the edges of a piece of gouda. It tasted so good! He began to relax and was considering trying the buffalo mozzarella, when, much to his horror, they heard footsteps. "Run for it!" They both leapt down and scattered. Odin crouched shaking in the corner. Suddenly, the room was flooded with lights!
Caught!
Odin panicked. There in the doorway was a human woman looking about the room. Odin himself was safely hidden behind a cupboard door. But Murphy, Murphy was caught out in the open! There he was, trapped in the middle of the floor. Odin's hero looked so fragile and small in that harsh light. But what could he do? How could he help his new friend? What would the human do to poor Murphy?
As he frantically thought for a plan, the human spoke in a high, cooing voice. "There you are, Murphy baby! Mommy was looking for you! Is baby hungry? Does Murphy-wurphy want some Fancy Feast? Mommy bought you your favorite sliced kind. Or does Murphy want puréed tonight? Why don't I just give you both. And some whipped cream too. That's a sweet kitty."
Murphy slunk off toward the food bowls where the woman was waiting. As he passed the cabinet door, his head lowered, he glanced up at the hidden Odin. Their eyes locked for a second, and then Murphy walked on.
Odin sat there, thinking, while Murphy emptied his two food bowls. Then, when the woman picked Murphy up and took him to the couch for a cuddle, Odin slipped back out the window into the dark night.
*****
The next day, Odin found a nice woman who took him in and fed him cream and gave him lace pillows to sleep on. And he lived happily ever after (though he never did get to try Litter Pearls.)
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